Monday, February 25, 2013

A Very Frustrating Weekend

I am supposed to get a colonoscopy today. It would be my fifth. It's too stupid and boring to get into, but the short story is I am supposed to get these every five years. But the only time anything has ever been found was during the first one, which was nearly fifteen years ago. So, going through these four times with two different gastroenterologists, I know that there are two different ways to "prep". You'll have some docs who will just make you drink two to four cups of an over the counter preparation you can buy at any walgreens and only do clear liquids for one day. You'll have others who will insist that the only good way to prep is to get a prescription for the prep and drink a GALLON of this stuff over the course of a few hours and do clear liquids for one day.

Well, this doc, whoever it is (I haven't actually seen her, the colonoscopy got ordered by a different doc, got scheduled and I got prep instructions, but would not actually meet her until today) is with Kaiser and has the most restrictive prep instructions I have ever seen. I had to go an entire day and a half with clear liquids only (I had to go the whole day before and my appointment was not until 1:30 for the actual procedure, typically they tell you that you can eat a light breakfast the day before, clear liquids the rest of the day and then your appointment is first thing the next morning), and drink the whole gallon of stuff.

I just couldn't do it. I did fine with the clear liquids, so I didn't eat all day yesterday, but I just could not drink the stuff. I only got through 3 cups.

So, this morning I know the prep was not good enough, so I am going to go ahead and cancel the procedure. I am going to tell them that if they can't let me do the prep the "easier" way, then I just can't do the colonoscopy. I'm a person who can't even drink Alka Seltzer or anything of that sort, it makes me throw up, so to ask me to drink a gallon of what amounts to salt water, is to ask me to spend a day starving followed by a period of three hours of vomiting while I try to choke the stuff down. I just won't do it. I have done it the easier way once before (my first gastroenterologist was of the "gallon" variety and she told me that there weren't any other options, but now I know better) and I can get through that... I can choke down two to four cups, I just can't do the gallon.

So, now having taken the day off, and asking Chris to take the day off, I am left just being home and feeling vaguely guilty. But I did tell Chris in plenty of time that I was going to cancel the appointment and he could go to work if he wanted.

The thing is, I know I should do it. I really do. But I am mad at myself for not realizing that I just was not going to be in a place where I could manage the torture of the prep and I should have cancelled the stupid thing last week. But I kept telling myself I could do it, that I needed to do it and that I just needed to tough it out.

I guess I am just not that tough!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

A Good Couple of Days

Days when my thinking is clear. Days when I realize what works for me and I do it. Days when I recognize what a good day even IS. Days when I can stop for gas on the way home from work (always a dangerous proposition) and give myself complete permission to buy the stupid junk food crap if I want to... and realizing that I don't want to. Understanding that it will not taste good, will not feel good and I will regret it. And then not doing it. Days when I can stop at the Wal Mart after work (an even MORE dangerous proposition!) and get nothing but the pill organizer I came for and some sugar free breath mints.

Days when I recognize that it is the small things that make the difference and that pile up. Getting the dilly bar instead of the blizzard (200 cals vs. at least 400 cals). Good days lead to more good days. Small good decisions lead to more small good decisions. And days when I recognize that this is the way I will get back to the weight that I feel good at.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Still 201.6

"Food can be that conduit to memories, as long as we understand it is like Brylcreem: “A little dab will do ya.” Take the meaning and savor a bite. Leave the rest of the calories behind." - Lynn's Weigh

I've been looking around for more weight loss and maintenance blogs, since it is just always so helpful for me to read other people's thoughts, and some of the best wisdom I have ever found has come not from expensive books or personal trainers, but from regular people, blogging their journey.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

I'm OK, You're OK

My weight this morning was 201.6. How I hate typing that out! The struggle continues, but I am trying to be good to myself, reading lots of positive and encouraging blogs, doing positive affirmations and continuing to experiment, trying to find the thing that is going to work well for me right now. I know I am doing the best I can at any given moment (that's my favorite affirmation!) and that ultimately I am just fine, regardless of the fact that the scale is ten numbers higher than I wish it to be.

But the reason I decided to write is because yesterday I had a good day. I skipped lunch, which I have been toying around with as a strategy. My lap band is restrictive enough that it prevents me from doing too much real damage at dinner, so the binge monster is kept in check. What is killing me right now is the snack attack, and skipping lunch allows me to off-set the stupid calories (by which I mean, the mini twix eaten at the reception desk while putting something in the out-going mail box, the sugar cookie given specifically to me by a co-worker because she knows I like them, the handful of goldfish crackers grabbed to tide me over while cooking dinner after I get home, etc. etc.) which I figure I am going to do no matter what, so I might as well try something different to make it all work.

Another big win last night was I had to make a trip to Target to get a couple of small Valentine treats for the kids (as much as I hate this "holiday", I can't help but give them a little something, it is what my mom always did for us) so I really wanted to stop for a milkshake and get some truffles, I felt myself starting to plan it all out.... but then I didn't. I got a small snack size bag of those little candy eggs I really like, and that was it. And I was happy with that.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

My Winter of Disappointment

This is what we've dubbed this winter in our house. Several things have gone on in our household that can only be described by that word. They aren't life changing, they aren't THAT terrible, just.... disappointing.

Back in October when my training ramped up for Vegas, my lap band slipped again. I had some of the fluid pulled, everything was fine again, but since I had Phoenix already planned six weeks after Vegas, my doctor and I agreed that I would just come back after the Phoenix race for another fill. This meant that I spent three months with no restriction, and a whole bunch of holidays. Weight gain ensued. And I mean significant weight gain! Fifteen damn pounds! In three months!

So I've spent the last few weeks in particular feeling just terrible about the weight gain, which of course makes the whole thing worse because what works better to make you feel a little less upset about most anything in life? Ain't nothing better for that job than ice cream, amiright?

Anyway, so Chris and I had this theory about why my band kept slipping when I run a lot, and it involved the possibility of pushing my insurance company to deem skin removal a medical necessity. I was all geared up for this plan, and very convinced I was right, and went to my doc yesterday to discuss the possibility (and also to get this damn band filled!).

She threw cold water all over it, and I agree with her. She explained why it was very unlikely that what I was thinking about was the actual culprit (her explanation of what the culprit actually is boils down to "for some people this happens"), and it made sense to me.  Still, very disappointing.  I wasn't all THAT sold on skin removal or tummy tuck in any case (although I was willing to have it if it meant I could run all I wanted without my band slipping, but apparently it doesn't mean that), I didn't really want to have surgery and go through all that pain.

So, I am back to square one. But at least now I have my good restriction back with the band. I thought about it all day yesterday, and decided that while I can't keep doing two or three half marathons a year (and for god's sake, do I really WANT that??), there is really no reason why I can't do one a year. So, that is my plan. I will do one half marathon a year and the rest of the time just focus on general fitness, other goals, feeling good in my workouts and not putting so much damn pressure on myself because that really isn't helping with anything. So, my half for 2013 is already done, I did it on Sunday. I am thinking that next year I might decide to do the Colfax again, I really enjoyed that one. And if I am only doing one a year, that means I am only going through this unfill/gain weight/fill nightmare once a year. I can live with that.  And it truthfully doesn't even mean I can't still do destination runs, which is part of what makes the whole thing so fun for me. In Phoenix this year, they had this mini-marathon option. I could do stuff like that. I can do the 5K and probably even the 10K without any issues (it's always when my long runs get above six miles that I start having issues with the band).  So I'll try to keep that in mind. I actually remember it being quite fun to be the "cheering section" for my sisters when I went to Orange County with them and I walked the 5K while they did the half and the full marathon. I can totally be the cheering section for my sisters and/or girlfriends!

I would also like to focus on my weight. I hate doing that too much (although I certainly want to get back down to what I consider to be my "good weight" as quickly as possible after this three months of nightmarish eating). Maybe I could get below the "good weight" even. Truthfully, running very long distances doesn't help with that, despite what anyone would like to believe. I actually would stand before God and say that running that much only makes it more likely that you'll GAIN weight, but I know the matter is a topic of much controversy. But my experience has been that it certainly doesn't help me LOSE any weight.

Anyway, here's hoping the Winter of Disappointment turns around soon!

Monday, December 31, 2012

New Years at the Gym

I did nine miles yesterday. So, I really need a rest day today, which leaves me in a quandary because that means I either have to take two rest days in a row or go to the stupid gym on new years day, a prospect that I loathe. It is not going to get above twenty degrees here and will likely snow tomorrow, so going outside is really not a great option.

The nine miles was slow, but it got done.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Busy, but Running

Did seven miles last weekend, and eight today. They were really good runs, some of the best runs I've had in quite some time. But it's slow. I've gained some weight, and am doing about 13 minute miles. It's all good, I'm feeling good and hoping Phoenix is going to be fun.

Today I put my Ipod on "All Songs" rather than my standard running playlist and made a resolution to not touch it for the whole run; no skipping songs! Which resulted in me running to everything from Bing Crosby (I have all my Christmas music on there right now) to Counting Crows and some god awful Christmas song called "Special Gift" which I didn't even know I owned, and that song was towards the end of the run too, so I felt like a real hero for not skipping it.

Now I'm off to wrap presents, Chris took the kids to see "The Hobbit" so I have about three hours to get it all done.