A Very Frustrating Weekend

I am supposed to get a colonoscopy today. It would be my fifth. It's too stupid and boring to get into, but the short story is I am supposed to get these every five years. But the only time anything has ever been found was during the first one, which was nearly fifteen years ago. So, going through these four times with two different gastroenterologists, I know that there are two different ways to "prep". You'll have some docs who will just make you drink two to four cups of an over the counter preparation you can buy at any walgreens and only do clear liquids for one day. You'll have others who will insist that the only good way to prep is to get a prescription for the prep and drink a GALLON of this stuff over the course of a few hours and do clear liquids for one day.

Well, this doc, whoever it is (I haven't actually seen her, the colonoscopy got ordered by a different doc, got scheduled and I got prep instructions, but would not actually meet her until today) is with Kaiser and has the most restrictive prep instructions I have ever seen. I had to go an entire day and a half with clear liquids only (I had to go the whole day before and my appointment was not until 1:30 for the actual procedure, typically they tell you that you can eat a light breakfast the day before, clear liquids the rest of the day and then your appointment is first thing the next morning), and drink the whole gallon of stuff.

I just couldn't do it. I did fine with the clear liquids, so I didn't eat all day yesterday, but I just could not drink the stuff. I only got through 3 cups.

So, this morning I know the prep was not good enough, so I am going to go ahead and cancel the procedure. I am going to tell them that if they can't let me do the prep the "easier" way, then I just can't do the colonoscopy. I'm a person who can't even drink Alka Seltzer or anything of that sort, it makes me throw up, so to ask me to drink a gallon of what amounts to salt water, is to ask me to spend a day starving followed by a period of three hours of vomiting while I try to choke the stuff down. I just won't do it. I have done it the easier way once before (my first gastroenterologist was of the "gallon" variety and she told me that there weren't any other options, but now I know better) and I can get through that... I can choke down two to four cups, I just can't do the gallon.

So, now having taken the day off, and asking Chris to take the day off, I am left just being home and feeling vaguely guilty. But I did tell Chris in plenty of time that I was going to cancel the appointment and he could go to work if he wanted.

The thing is, I know I should do it. I really do. But I am mad at myself for not realizing that I just was not going to be in a place where I could manage the torture of the prep and I should have cancelled the stupid thing last week. But I kept telling myself I could do it, that I needed to do it and that I just needed to tough it out.

I guess I am just not that tough!

A Good Couple of Days

Days when my thinking is clear. Days when I realize what works for me and I do it. Days when I recognize what a good day even IS. Days when I can stop for gas on the way home from work (always a dangerous proposition) and give myself complete permission to buy the stupid junk food crap if I want to... and realizing that I don't want to. Understanding that it will not taste good, will not feel good and I will regret it. And then not doing it. Days when I can stop at the Wal Mart after work (an even MORE dangerous proposition!) and get nothing but the pill organizer I came for and some sugar free breath mints.

Days when I recognize that it is the small things that make the difference and that pile up. Getting the dilly bar instead of the blizzard (200 cals vs. at least 400 cals). Good days lead to more good days. Small good decisions lead to more small good decisions. And days when I recognize that this is the way I will get back to the weight that I feel good at.

Still 201.6

"Food can be that conduit to memories, as long as we understand it is like Brylcreem: “A little dab will do ya.” Take the meaning and savor a bite. Leave the rest of the calories behind." - Lynn's Weigh

I've been looking around for more weight loss and maintenance blogs, since it is just always so helpful for me to read other people's thoughts, and some of the best wisdom I have ever found has come not from expensive books or personal trainers, but from regular people, blogging their journey.

I'm OK, You're OK

My weight this morning was 201.6. How I hate typing that out! The struggle continues, but I am trying to be good to myself, reading lots of positive and encouraging blogs, doing positive affirmations and continuing to experiment, trying to find the thing that is going to work well for me right now. I know I am doing the best I can at any given moment (that's my favorite affirmation!) and that ultimately I am just fine, regardless of the fact that the scale is ten numbers higher than I wish it to be.

But the reason I decided to write is because yesterday I had a good day. I skipped lunch, which I have been toying around with as a strategy. My lap band is restrictive enough that it prevents me from doing too much real damage at dinner, so the binge monster is kept in check. What is killing me right now is the snack attack, and skipping lunch allows me to off-set the stupid calories (by which I mean, the mini twix eaten at the reception desk while putting something in the out-going mail box, the sugar cookie given specifically to me by a co-worker because she knows I like them, the handful of goldfish crackers grabbed to tide me over while cooking dinner after I get home, etc. etc.) which I figure I am going to do no matter what, so I might as well try something different to make it all work.

Another big win last night was I had to make a trip to Target to get a couple of small Valentine treats for the kids (as much as I hate this "holiday", I can't help but give them a little something, it is what my mom always did for us) so I really wanted to stop for a milkshake and get some truffles, I felt myself starting to plan it all out.... but then I didn't. I got a small snack size bag of those little candy eggs I really like, and that was it. And I was happy with that.