I celebrated finally adjusting back to high altitude last week by going back down to low altitude this week! I have had some good runs, though. Fitness room at my hotel is pretty good, and I decided to do a time limit instead of a mileage run, so I am just running for 40 minutes and seeing how far I get, so that has changed things up just a little bit.
Anyways, my runs this week have felt good, I haven't had to talk myself into going, they were those runs where you just don't think about it much, just get into your running clothes and get it done. I like those.
And it's good I am running, since treasures abound in Lubbock.
This song came on my ipod today while doing my cool down. It made me remember this post by Captain Awkward (I strongly recommend you go read, I read it a long time ago and it has really stuck with me, and incidentally the poem that is contained within that post was printed out by me and hangs on my "happy wall" at work to this day). And it occurred to me that the reason I felt so much better after sharing the work "incident" with a friend was that I was doing exactly what the post describes... I was letting her carry some of that burden for me.
Anyway, so I am feeling better now, but I figured I would tell what happened. And what happened was simple. The VP of Human Resources scolded me for eating candy that was sitting out in what I thought was a common area, because that candy was apparently meant only for HR employees. That is the short story. She did this in front of my own employees, with whom I was in a conference room about to start a meeting. What she literally said was "that candy was meant as a gift to HR so next time you really need to ask." When I pointed out that at the time I took the candy (three pieces) I was bantering back and forth with the Admin who sits right there, giving her every opportunity to tell me not to take it, she said "well, she said you didn't ask, and next time you need to ask."
Now, this is common in my company. Actually, I'm not sure if it is common in the whole company or just my division, and it hardly matters since the division encompasses all of my interactions at work. This sort of territorial and control bullshit is common, is what I mean. To the point that I now have a two year "out" plan at which time I will have some flexibility with my schedule (the boy will be past elementary school age and on an earlier, junior high schedule) and I will be fully vested in my 401K, thus having much more flexibility in not losing out financially for jumping companies. But that aside, what is remarkable about this encounter is that I have been working on this floor, literally not fifty feet from where this woman's office is located, for nearly a year now, and I swear this is the first time she has ever spoken with me, and seriously, the first time I have ever even seen her come out of her office! But apparently, this fucking candy was important enough to her that when she saw someone from outside her department taking it, she jumped right up to scold that person. It's completely crazy, the actions of an unbalanced and clearly incompetent person. The rational part of me knows that this clearly had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the crazy territorial control freaks that my company tends to hire and promote to positions of great authority.
But my eating disorder does not exist in the rational part of me. It exists deep down in my lizard brain. And all that part of me heard was a person in a position of authority scold me for eating candy. I may as well have been transported back to being eight years old. So then, naturally, the lizard brain rebellion begins, because nobody is telling me what the fuck to eat and when! And, also naturally, the food is comforting, the sugar literally releases chemicals making me feel better and soothed. It's the perfect storm, really. I even remember thinking in my rational brain "hm, this really might trigger something, I had better be careful" but of course, such thinking is basically powerless a lot of the time when it comes to this sort of thing.
Now, my rational brain did handle the incident perfectly well and professionally ("oh my goodness, I had no idea and I am so sorry!") and the incident itself lasted less than twenty seconds (because after all, how can you keep scolding someone who has apologized?), but the disordered eating then proceeded to last three fucking days.
I actually consider this incident kind of lucky..... most of the time when something like this is triggered, I don't even KNOW what happened to trigger it, because it runs so deep. But this time, it was very clear, which made fixing it more clear as well, and thus I think limited the scope of the damage. I'm not always that lucky or that smart.
What I have done to resolve the situation at work is to order from the great internets exact replicas of the boxes of candy that were out, which I will be putting in the exact same spot they were next week when they come in. I also made the decision to never eat one more fucking thing that exists at work, including their rotten potlucks, and their stupid monthly birthday cakes. Fuck it, I don't need this kind of stress.
And even though I am feeling better now, and the disordered eating behavior appears to have ceased, I am still going to share this with the small number of readers I have. So they can carry it for me. So I can put it down and move on.
I was doing well, and then there was an incident at work on Tuesday that put me into an eating spiral (exhibiting such fantastic behaviors as eating cold cereal after dinner, stopping at the grocery store for chocolate on my way home from work..... so awesome I haven't done those things for years!) which led to the re-gaining of the poundage I had taken off after the stupid vacation! The incident itself is not important, and in fact was fucking stupid, but I am treating myself with much compassion. I talked to my friend at work (another former big girl who is now skinnier than me, so would understand) and vocalizing what happened made me feel much better. I am hoping the cycle of disfunction can end today and I can just move on feeling good that it only lasted four days.
My running this week has been awful, starting with the fact that I have only gone twice. I plan on going to the gym today and doing the elliptical and will go again tomorrow, so four total workouts this week.
I am traveling to Texas and Oklahoma for work next week and plan to spend some time this weekend focusing on what I would like for my eating and exercise to look like during this trip. I'm feeling very vulnerable about it, since part of my tendency towards disordered eating involves eating much more when I am alone and also taking vacations from healthy eating while traveling. But I've noticed that sometimes taking some time before a long run to focus on positive thoughts and what goals I have is really helpful, so I am going to try it for eating as well.
I called my doctor on Thursday and left a message because I got the x-ray done on Tuesday that I needed so we could see where the band is and if I could start getting it filled again, but nobody called me back, and since I am traveling most of next week, I figure I'll just have to call them again when I get home.
Anyway, I read this post this morning and cried a lot. That is all.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
"What's it take to get it through your thick skullsThat this ain't some bullshitPeople don't usually come back this way" Some Bad Meets Evil for your Sunday enjoyment..... I might have the lyrics wrong, but that is how I hear them in my head. I'm almost back to my fighting weight and did three miles on the tready today. It was HARD. The altitude has not been this difficult to adjust to since we moved here, I swear to god. Guess that's what I get for vacationing at sea level. I made biscuits and gravy for Chris for Father's Day, but did not eat any myself. It wasn't that hard.... even though I make some seriously bad-ass biscuits and gravy, they aren't really my thing, if you know what I am saying. I also went to Costco yesterday and did not buy any treats. Also managed to avoid treats at the grocery store. And tonight Chris is saying he wants ice cream, and I am seriously thinking I am just going to get one scoop of "light" ice cream in a cup! The humanity!!!! So, doing well for now, although every day is a battle. But, as my daughter reminded me the other day, I am stronger than the cake. Even those little mini lemon cakes that are two bites of delicious heaven.
And high altitude. Tough run today, but it got done. 3.1 miles at a pace so slow it made me want to weep with frustration. I am only getting in three runs this week, and on top of the weight gain, my focus right now is on not beating myself up. Vacations happen. Small weight gains happen. Hating on yourself does not help and usually hurts, the only thing to do is just get back on track in the best way you know how and do the best you can. I know this.
Ran a few times in Hawaii, also did some other very active stuff (kayaking, snorkling, hiking, boogie boarding, etc..... I need a vacation from my vacation!) but also ate. A LOT. Food was fantastic.
Scale this morning showed about a five pound gain. Now, some of that is surely water weight, lots of plane travel yesterday, but some of it is certainly legitimate.
Now, back to the real world, counting calories and trying to take it off!
Only worked out four times this week, in an effort to ensure I am taking it easy and not continuing to aggravate the stupid band. I walked and did the bike, did five miles on the elliptical yesterday and finally today ran outside for the first time in a week. It was okay, I did 3.1 miles at 12:16/mile. I did 4R/1W intervals. And the good news is, my dog seems to be finally recovered from the stupid leg injury he had, and I've been taking him for very short runs for about a month or so now, but we have worked our way up to two miles, which means I no longer have to stick to the short half mile neighborhood loop, where there are tons of barking dogs that irritate the hell out of both of us. Now I can take him on the longer two mile loop, drop him off at home and then finish up on my own. It's nice to have him back, I like his company even though he slows me down a good deal. I won't let him run with Chris anymore ever, I told Chris he was banned from running with the dog. He goes too fast and is much more reluctant than I am to slow down for the dog, preferring to make the dog speed up, which is what got us into this mess, I am convinced of it. I was certainly guilty of pushing him too hard sometimes before the injury, but I am really careful about it now. And Chris is just not capable of running that slow, he just isn't. But running slow has never really been my challenge.
No blogging for a couple of weeks, we are off to Hawaii and have made a commitment to "unplug" as much as humanly possible.
