8 Elliptical and Self Love

So, I am reading this book called "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts", by Gabor Mate. In it, he discussed the concept of treating yourself with "gentle curiosity" when struggling with any addiction, which is something I have read about before and am a big believer in. When people ask me for advice on weight loss I always tell them that one of the biggest things is to stop hating on yourself. The only way I have gotten through the ups and downs of this journey has been to love myself through it. You will fall down, you are human and that is how humans do it. We fall down, we revert back to old habits, we are hard wired to comfort ourselves, sometimes in ways that do not serve us well in the long run. I simply had to learn to treat myself with the same compassion and gentleness that I (try very hard to) treat others with. Even though I'm not big on Jesus these days, I think he had the right idea with this kind of thing.

Now, this loving yourself business is made more difficult for those of us who struggle with obesity because while everyone falls down sometimes, we have the added burden of an entire society (and frequently people who call themselves friends, acquaintances, family and other general well wishers) of people ready and willing to kick the shit out of us while we are down there. They point fingers, they laugh, they express disgust, and this is everywhere we turn, which makes it incredibly difficult to get back up (*).

Anyways, my point (I swear I have one somewhere) is that I have worked really hard on this concept over the last few years, but this morning I found myself questioning something with regards to it.

I had pretty much decided last night that I was only going to do five miles on the elliptical today, because I am not feeling well and yesterday's four was harder than it should have been (I think I am getting a cold). But then last night I ate some cookies I made, and I found myself thinking this morning that I was going to go ahead and do the eight miles I had originally planned to do, because "I need to work off those cookies."

It wasn't a huge deal, I wasn't being mean to myself, but I did question myself about it. Is this a form of hating on myself? Is choosing a more punishing workout in order to "work off" some stupid cookies that I ate a form of self punishment?

I didn't really come to any conclusion, but it did give me some food for thought this morning, and I expect for some time going forward. But it also was a really good time to exercise my "gentle curiosity" skills. I didn't berate myself (neither for the cookies, nor for pushing myself in the gym more than I probably should have given my current health), but instead simply gently asked myself why I felt the need to do what I was doing, what were my motivations, and see if perhaps I can come up with some insights on that.

Anyways, all of this is to say I did eight miles on the elliptical. Janathon continues....

*Just a side note, sometimes I have found that I can call down anger (and/or it's close cousin, rage) to my aide when I am in the middle of feeling beaten down, and I think this can sometimes be very helpful as long as one realizes the limitations of anger. Anger is temporary and fades, but I find that the love you can find for yourself does not.... but sometimes the anger is just enough to get you to your feet, so I say it's a valid tool to use.